Pain is not something to fear. It is not the opposite of joy. It is part of it.

While so many seek expansion, reaching beyond themselves and their bodies, all in the name of connecting back to oneness, dissolving and expanding into something so vast and infinite—

I find myself sitting here on my sofa with the hot water bottle on my belly, and the pain beneath the bottle reminding me to be in the body…

where the connection to all that is outside of me already exists

—within me.

In my body I have found my answers. Moving inwards I have found my truth. I have found my path, all guiding me into presence. Connection to all that is already exists, it lives in my heart.

And so rather than chase what is already mine, I choose to spend my energy here, in presence, in this body, in this strange, painful yet sacred human experience.

Bringing my attention to my being-ness rather than my becoming, I am met with beauty. The beauty of my physical body. My female body. The gifts it offers that I once did not know how to receive.

My cycle (aka. my period, and the inspiration of this essay) brings pain. And with it, a particular quality of stillness, a heaviness that asks me to slow, to descend, to return to earth.

I used to resist this. Now I am grateful for it. These are the moments that pull me back from abstraction and anchor me in the body I actually live in. My attention is brought to my womb, that dark and fertile centre where all abundance and creativity waits, not to be forced or performed, but to be witnessed. To be given space to rise.

I am here.
I choose to be here.

I choose presence. I choose being. I choose to live this human experience with all of it, the laughter, the dancing, the ache that passes because I let it.

I choose to feel pains that sometimes arrive uninvited, the ones that belong to being embodied, to being alive, and I let them move through me without becoming suffering. They are not suffering. They are sensation. They are proof that I am here, that I am real, that this body is fully and remarkably mine.

Oh, what a gift it is to feel.
I never want to stop.

If there is one thing that this presence has shown me, it is that no matter how much I ascend, how much I move into presence and my truest state of existence, I will never go so far that I lose the thread of my own skin.

I will never expand that I can no longer feel my feet on the floor, or laugh until my whole body shakes, or do whatever it is my body is asking of me in this very moment.

Not until my time comes. Not until I have taken everything this life is offering, turned it over in my hands, held it close, and decided, with full knowing, that I am ready to set it down and step into something new.

Because I am here. I am human. I am in this beautiful body, a body that is a miracle…and this body feels.

I love you, my dear feminine, beautiful, healthy, aging, strong, brave body!

For any support you through your process, if you are seeking mentorship as you find your own rituals and practice to shift your reality, do not hesitate to reach out.♥

To learn more about me and what I do, you can find me at www.tulamirjan.com.

Stay tuned for an upcoming microdosing protocol program for women in support of their cycles and the pains that come with it. 

With love and so much sparkle, 
Tula

Maybe you have felt it too.

That strange deflation. The one that arrives mid-ceremony, somewhere between the opening invocation and the third English kirtan. The one you feel but don’t say out loud, because everyone around you looks so open, so moved, so ready to be transformed — and who are you to name the thing that feels off?

You feel it in Bali. In Tulum. In Koh Phangan. In the retreat centre outside Amsterdam with the reclaimed wood floors and the hand-lettered sign that says you are exactly where you need to be. You feel it in the cacao ceremony that costs as much as a flight home. In the sound bath where the facilitator has never once mentioned where the tradition of sound healing actually comes from. In the yoga class where the Sanskrit has been quietly dropped because it made people “uncomfortable.”

You feel it. And then you feel guilty for feeling it. And then you go back next week.

I am here to tell you: the feeling is not ingratitude. It is intelligence. It is your body knowing that something has been taken from the room before you arrived.

The scene

The room that is everywhere

I went to Mexico not long ago, excited to join a local medicine woman in a singing circle. I wanted the songs of the land. Songs of the ancestors. Songs that had survived conquest, missionaries, language policies, five centuries of being told they were savage. I was ready to receive them.

She opened her mouth and sang nothing but kirtan. In English.

She commanded us when to smile. How to stand. When to sway. When to let the medicine move us.

I sat there holding my rattle with a quiet ache in my chest. Not anger. Not yet. Something older than anger. Recognition.

Because I had been in this room before. Not this specific room, but this exact room. The one that exists in identical form in Cape Town, Koh Phangan, Ericeira, Brooklyn, and Bali. The same playlist. The same ceremony structure borrowed from six different traditions and credited to none of them. The same beige linen. The same, abused palo santo. The same gentle voice guiding you through an experience so thoroughly sanded down, so carefully made palatable for the widest possible audience, that it has lost the very thing that once made it medicine.

The ceremony had left its home. And no one in the room seemed to notice. Or perhaps they noticed, and decided not to say.

The writer Kyle Chayka calls this AirSpace: the way Instagram and global taste-making have quietly turned every physical place into the same place. Walk into a yoga studio in Bali and you could be in Brooklyn. White walls. Blonde wood. Succulents in matching ceramic pots. Minimalist typography whispering breathe. The algorithm rewards sameness, because sameness is frictionless. A traditional Balinese compound, with open pavilions, hand-carved detail, centuries of meaning built into every beam, does not photograph cleanly. It asks something of you. The AirSpace shala asks nothing. That is the point.

The mechanism

The most beautiful lie

There is a story this industry tells itself. It sounds generous. It sounds evolved. It goes: this wisdom belongs to everyone.

“Belongs to everyone” is the oldest trick in the colonial playbook. It has always been the sentence used just before something is taken. Because in practice, it means one thing: it can be taken by anyone with the resources to package and sell it. It does not mean the Mazatec elder gets a cut of the retreat fee. It does not mean the Indigenous community whose ceremony was extracted and rebranded receives credit, protection, or sovereignty over their own medicine.

“Universal” is the word we use when we want access without accountability.

And so the beige walls make perfect sense. Strip the deity from the altar. Replace the Buddhist shrine with a “universal” crystal. Lift the whirl from the dervish and call it mystic meditation. Erase every cultural marker that might cause the visitor to pause and ask: whose practice is this? Who gave permission? What did their lives actually look like?

The whitewashed room answers before the question can form. It says: no one owns this. This is for everyone. This is for you. And then it charges you three thousand dollars to be there.

Wisdom that was once protected by relationship, by initiation, by years of earning trust, by proximity to a living lineage, by generational connection to the earth, has been replaced by a single requirement: a credit card. Anyone can enter. As long as they can pay. Which means the room fills with people who look a very specific way. And the people whose ancestors carried this practice for generations are not in it. And if they are, they are dismissed, fetishised, or used.

This is not a metaphor. In Rishikesh, the birthplace of yoga, nestled in the foothills of the Himalayas, a spiritual festival made international headlines when viral footage captured an Indian man being turned away at the entrance while foreigners walked freely past him. The staff explanation? The evening sessions were designed to introduce Indian cultural traditions to those who had limited connection with them. In Rishikesh. At a yoga festival. Turning away Indians to teach Indians about India. The comment that spread fastest in response said everything: "They want to preserve Indian culture without telling the Indians. (Full article here)

The personal

What it costs to be let in

I cannot write about this without writing about my own body.

I am a woman with Iraqi blood. Mesopotamian bones. Born to a lineage rooted in Hillah, in the province of Babil, the land that gave humanity some of its oldest sacred sciences. Astrology, mathematics, the first written mythology. My ancestors were not primitive people waiting to be civilised. They were the civilisation.

And yet I grew up in a world where my wisdom was the punchline. Where Arabic was painted as the language of terrorists. Where my face was called exotic, the polite way of saying you are ornamental. Decorative. Not quite one of us. Where I had to soften every edge that made me me, translate myself into something more palatable, just to earn a seat at the table.

So when I walk into a boutique near a retreat centre in Tulum and see Bedouin-style linen sold under the name Bedouin, Arabian designs lifted wholesale, marketed as desert chic and costumes for Burning Man, profited from by a brand with no relationship to Bedouin people, while the actual desert peoples whose aesthetics are being sold are, at this very moment, being bombed, displaced, and murdered in an attempt to erase them entirely, something in me cracks open.

It is not a complicated feeling. It is grief with teeth.

Our aesthetics are acceptable. Our bodies are not. Our instruments, our oils, our henna, our linen and jewellery, all of it can be draped across any Western shoulder at any price point. But the people those things were born from are either flattened into decoration, or flattened into rubble.

And I know I am not alone in this.

I know there are others sitting in these ceremonies with a rattle in one hand and a quiet ache in the chest. Other brown and Black and Indigenous bodies who were told, directly or through a thousand subtle messages, that their own traditions were backwards. Primitive. Too much. Not marketable. And who then watched those same traditions get cleaned up, whitewashed, repackaged, and sold back to the world as enlightenment.

There is a particular kind of violence in being told your grandmother’s medicine is worthless, and then watching someone else get rich selling it.

But I also want to speak to the white folks in the room. The ones who are genuinely seeking. The ones who drove two hours to the retreat, who cried during the ceremony, who feel in their bones that something is missing from modern life and are trying, earnestly, to find it. I am not writing this to shame you. I am writing this because you deserve to know what you are actually inside.

Many of you come from lineages that colonised. That missionised. That showed up on other people’s land and told them their songs were savage, and then, generations later, learned to love those same songs, stripped of the people who sang them. That history did not end. It evolved. It put on linen and opened a retreat centre.

You are not guilty for being in that room. But you are responsible for seeing it clearly. Because not seeing it is also a choice. And that choice has a cost, one that is paid by someone else.

I recently met several white people who, rather than sitting with and healing their coloniser lineages, had adopted Arabic names instead, like a costume to try on for a while. Names I heard ridiculed my entire life in the country their not-so-distant ancestors colonised, Canada. Names they cannot even pronounce correctly. Names from a culture they then proceeded to explain to me, even after I had already told them I am indigenous to it.

The deepest wound, the one that takes longest to name, is this: so many of us from the Global South have been taught to idolise the very aesthetic that erases us. We are offered an exit from our own skin. Speak like this. Dress like this. Soften like this. And you too may enter the privileged softness of the wellness world.

We are asked to abandon our grandmothers to earn our spot in the sage smoke.

I am done paying that price.

The root

What sacred actually means

The sacred does not translate cleanly. That is not a bug. That is its nature.

The sacred is the name of the deity, not the neutralised symbol placed in her chair. It is the language the song was born in, not the English version handed to a crowd who will never know what those syllables cost to preserve. It is the hands of the elder. The soil she stands on. The specific grief her lineage survived. The particular joy that comes from a tradition staying alive through centuries of attempts to kill it.

The sacred is the particular. Always. It has never been universal. It has never been portable. It has never been for sale.

Globalisation loves the generic. It loves “energy” and “vibrations” and “consciousness” precisely because those words float free of any people, any land, any accountability. But the medicine was never generic. It came through specific lineages who paid for it in ways we will never fully understand, in sacrifice, in persecution, in the decision to keep singing even when singing was dangerous.

You cannot photograph that. You cannot certify it in a weekend training. You cannot airlift it into a white-walled room, charge three thousand dollars, and have it remain what it was.

You can only be in relationship with it. And relationship requires context, time, reciprocity, and the willingness to be changed. Not just moved.

There is a difference between being moved and being changed. The wellness industry is extraordinary at producing the first. A good sound bath, the right playlist, the right lighting, and you will cry. You will feel something vast and unnamed. You will leave feeling cracked open.

But cracked open to what? If there is no lineage holding you, no community receiving you, no land you are accountable to, you will close again by Tuesday. And book the next retreat.

This is not an accident. It is the business model.

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The invitation

Coming home differently

I am a seeker. I will probably always be one. I am not writing this to tell you to stop seeking.

I am writing this because I believe the seeking can be different. Deeper. More honest. Because I believe many of us, regardless of lineage, religion, race or colour, all of us who feel that ache in the ceremony room, are hungry for the same thing: something real. Something rooted. Something that asks something of us in return.

That thing exists. It is just not always where we are looking for it.

For those of us born to lineages that have been commodified or erased: your grandmothers are waiting. Your songs are already in your bones. Your medicine is already written into your blood. You do not need to pay someone else a few thousand dollars to access what was always yours. You do not need to translate yourself into something more palatable to be holy. You never did.

For those of you who come from colonising lineages: your ancestors also had medicine. It was also suppressed, shamed out of existence, or traded away in the same march toward modernity that required them to take from others. The hunger you feel in the ceremony room is real. But filling it with extracted practices will not heal it. Going back into your own lineage, however complicated, however painful, might.

And for all of us, before the next ceremony, the next retreat, the next linen robe:

Questions worth sitting with

• Whose lineage is this, actually, and are they in the room?

• Who benefits from my money and presence here, and who is absent because they cannot afford to be?

• Am I being invited into a living tradition, or a curated version of one, and do I know the difference?

• What in my wardrobe, my practice, my home has been borrowed, and do I know from whom, and at what cost?

• Where is my own ancestral wisdom quietly waiting, while I search for it in someone else’s ceremony?

• What would it mean to refuse the sameness, in my practice, my purchases, my choice of teacher?

If this stirred something in you, a recognition, a discomfort, a grief you have been carrying but not naming, please sit with it. Do not rush to resolve it. Do not book the next retreat as a response to it.

That stirring is not a problem to be solved. It is the beginning of something more honest.

It is the medicine.

* For support:

For any support you through your process, if you are seeking mentorship as you find your own rituals and practice to shift your reality, do not hesitate to reach out.♥

To learn more about me and what I do, you can find me at www.tulamirjan.com.

With love and so much sparkle, 
Tula

As we navigate these energies of chaos, suffering, genocide, war, famine, murder, and sexual violence around the world, as basic needs are threatened and systems of power reveal their darkest workings, we are forced to face the shadows we would rather not look at. We are left with no choice but to sit through the difficult emotions and ask: What is moving through me? What can one really do in these times, to be of service, to make a change that can truly make a difference amidst the chaos.

Through asking such questions, I found myself questioning everything I knew and believed in.

I was already aware of the truths of the world. The corruption, the hidden networks of power across the planet and their desperation to hold on to their power and greed by bringing so much pain and suffering to regions that threaten them. None of what has been coming to light especially over the past few months has surprised me.

Yet, I was feeling powerless, confused, sad, even in pain.

Pain that pushed me to the edge of reality. Literally.

And this is what I found:

Reality is perception and perception can shift

If you read one thing in this article, let it be this:

Reality, as we see it, is our individual perception of truth. Concepts, beliefs, colours, experiences, interactions, etc, nothing holds one absolute truth. Everything is purely perception, your perception of it.

Perception is built on personal judgements, and those judgements are formed through conditioning. Through books, religion, parents, language, teachers, etc.

As we journey through life, experiencing reality through the lens of our own perception, we encounter conflict/resistance/tension. Conflict brings into view whatever is seeking to be witnessed, loved, appreciated, and then released. Conflict shows up to challenge our judgements.

Once resistance loses its grip and conflict fades, judgements are neutralised or altered, creating a shift in perception.

When perception shifts, reality as you perceive it shifts.

It is therefore one’s own responsibility to open their eyes to the truth of the reality they are witnessing and experiencing.

Through this awareness, we can move inward and work through whatever is necessary to shift that reality into one of peace, balance and harmony. Every frustration, sadness, fear and moment of anger is a signal. A signal of what is asking to be moved through this process of alchemy.

The periodic table of emotions

So what do I mean, really? What is alchemy in practice?

Think of it this way.

You remember the periodic table of chemical elements you may have learned in school? Now imagine replacing those elements with emotions, every feeling a substance with its own charge, its own weight, its own capacity to combine with or resist another. This is a vision I once received in a dream, as I was navigating through my learnings of Sufi (Muslim) ancient wisdom. The insight it carried was this: just as a chemist transforms raw elements through precise and intentional work, we too can transform what lives inside us.

The heavy, unsupportive emotions, anger, grief, shame, helplessness, are not flaws to be corrected. They are raw material. And we are the alchemists.

We work with these emotions and shift the negative, heavy or unsupportive ones into emotions that support us, that bring us harmony, ease, flow, joy and peace. Emotions that allow us to shift back into what I believe to be our true state of being: love.

Emotions that once shifted, also shift the physical manifestation of them, that shift our reality.

How do we do this? We use our reality, as I walked through above, to show us what is looking to be alchemized within us.

The most powerful thing you can do from right where you are

Before I show you what this looks like in practice, I want to name something directly.

The systems we live within are designed, consciously or not, to make us feel powerless. To make us believe that real change requires a platform, a protest, a position of influence. That if we cannot stop the war, expose the corruption, or fix the broken thing, then we can do nothing at all. This belief keeps us scrolling, despairing, and frozen, which serves the very systems we are hoping to change.

What I am offering here is not a consolation prize. It is, I would argue, one of the most powerful acts available to any human being right now, and it requires nothing more than a willingness to turn inward, in your own home, in your own body, in the quiet moments of your own life.

The outer world is a mere physical manifestation of the inner world. The inner world and the outer world are not separate.

Every perception shifted, every judgement released, every heavy emotion alchemized, changes the reality you participate in and the energy you bring to everything you touch. That ripples outward. Always.

Do not let anyone or any system convince you otherwise.

Alchemy in practice: transmuting anger.

(a small-scale scenario—and where you can really start practicing!)

You’re at the grocery store. Long week. You finally reach the checkout, place your items on the belt, and the person in front of you cuts back in with a full cart. No acknowledgement. Nothing.

A flash of anger. Tightness in your chest. The story starts: people are so selfish. This is why the world is broken.

Now, the alchemy:

Step 1. Use reality as the signal. The anger is not about them. Something in you has been activated. Pause. Don’t act. Notice.

Step 2. Ask what judgement is underneath it. Maybe it is: I don’t matter enough to be seen. Or: I have to fight for what is mine. These are not new thoughts. They were conditioned in long before this moment, through a parent who dismissed you, a system that ignored you, a world that taught you to brace.

Step 3. Sit in it without escaping. Don’t scroll. Don’t rehearse. Let the tightness be there. Witness it. Where does it live in your body?

Step 4. Ask what it needs. Not what you need from them. What does this feeling need? Usually the answer is simple: to be seen. To rest. To be told: you are enough, you do not have to fight.

Step 5. Offer it that. Quietly, internally: I see you. You are allowed to feel this. You matter. Not toxic positivity. Just honest witnessing. The emotion begins to move.

Step 6. Notice the shift. The anger loosens. Something softer comes through. Maybe even a flicker of compassion for the person in front of you, who is probably also exhausted, also carrying something, also finding their way.

That is the periodic table of emotions in motion. One charge, anger, transmuted not by suppressing it but by moving through it with awareness and love. The external event did not change. Your reality did. And that is where everything begins.

Then, if there is any action to be taken or boundaries to be set, they are done from that energy of clarity and truth.

Alchemy in practice: transmuting energies of war.

(a large-scale scenario)

You wake up and open your phone. Images of bombed buildings, children in rubble, numbers of the dead. It lands in your chest like a stone. Helplessness. Rage. Grief with no edges. A story forms: this world is irredeemable. Nothing I do matters.

Now, the alchemy:

Step 1. Use reality as the signal. The grief, the rage, the helplessness. These are not proof that the world is broken beyond repair. They are proof that something in you is asking to be met. Pause. Don’t doomscroll. Notice.

Step 2. Ask what judgement is underneath this. Maybe: powerlessness is unbearable to me. Or: I should be able to fix this, and I cannot, and that feels like failure. These feelings existed before the news cycle. Perhaps in a moment you could not protect someone you loved. Perhaps in a childhood where chaos felt unsafe and control felt like survival.

Step 3. Sit in the feeling without escaping it. The feelings are enormous, and the world will keep handing you reasons to stay in them. But sit anyway. Where does helplessness live in your body? Let it be exactly as heavy as it is.

Step 4. Ask what it needs. What does this feeling, inside you, need? Often it needs to be told: you are not responsible for holding all of this. You are allowed to be a human being, not a solution.

Step 5. Offer it that. Internally, quietly: I see you. This is real, and it is heavy, and you are allowed to feel it. Not bypassing what is happening out there. Just honest, loving presence with what is happening in here.

Step 6. Notice the shift. The grief does not vanish. The war does not end. But something in you begins to move rather than freeze. Clarity comes through. A quieter kind of knowing. A sense of what you can actually do, in your actual life, in your actual reach. And sometimes, something unexpected: compassion. Not just for the victims, but for the perpetrators too. People so severed from love, so deep in their own unprocessed shadows, that destruction became their only language.

You are breaking a chain

That is the work.

Not naive. Not passive.

Not pretending war is anything other than what it is. But understanding that the war out there, in some part, is the accumulated unprocessed darkness of generations of people who never learned to sit with what you just sat with.

Every time you do this work, you are breaking a chain. You are refusing to let what is unresolved in you move outward as harm.

You will not end war today by doing this. But you will stop feeding it from the inside. And that is not nothing. That is everything.

And please, do not underestimate yourself for choosing this path.

It is far easier to stay angry, to stay numb, to stay scrolling. Or worse, to claim you are a-political and ignoring the reality that is absolutely there and impacting you whether you admit to it out loud or not.

What you are doing instead, choosing to turn inward when the whole world is pulling you outward, is one of the most quietly radical acts available to a human being right now.

You do not need a platform, a following, or a grand gesture. You need only the willingness to do this work, again and again, in the ordinary moments of your ordinary life. That willingness is enough. You are enough.

This is what it means to me to love in hard times. Not the love of greeting cards or easy moments, but the love that chooses to remain open when every instinct says to close. The love that looks at the worst of the world, and the worst of itself, and says: I will not look away, and I will not harden.

It takes courage to grieve well. It takes courage to transmute rather than transfer.

It takes a soft and ferocious heart to hold both the truth of the darkness and the truth of the light simultaneously, without collapsing into either.

Mawlana Jalal al-Din Rumi wrote: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

That field is not a place of indifference. It is a place that has moved through enough to see clearly. May we all find our way there, together, one alchemized moment at a time.

* For support:

For any support you through your process, if you are seeking mentorship as you find your own rituals and practice to shift your reality, do not hesitate to reach out.♥

To learn more about me and what I do, you can find me at www.tulamirjan.com.

With love and so much sparkle, 
Tula

Photo by Jonathan Teel

I enjoy fantasising and dreaming. Always have, and I imagine a part of me always will. Dreaming has always felt natural to me. A place I escaped to. A place where I can breathe fully, feel safe. There comes a time though when a young person is told she must stop dreaming and start doing. As if dreaming is something we grow out of rather than something we grow into.

Dreams are full of light, hope, green grass, and endless possibility. They are where we realise what we really—and maybe secretly—long for. This is powerful, and so useful.

But to stay there forever is to leave that longing unclaimed. I have learned that living only in the dream can leave us stuck. Dreams can become suspended, just out of reach, untouchable. Somewhere deep down we tell ourselves we cannot have them, it’s not possible, they’re not real, only fantasies. So we leave them there... untouched, keeping them in the dream-corners of our mind and heart, where they feel safe, comfortable…and powerless.

Today, I feel the answer sits somewhere in the in-between: Between fantasy and reality; between dreaming and living. I allow the dream to inspire me to live.

As we move through the solstice and into a new year, I offer you a new invitation. I invite you to allow yourself the time to enjoy the dream without leaving it in fantasy. A time to dream to your heart’s content while knowing, with certainty in heart, mind, and soul, that it is already true. Not someday. Not when everything lines up. Not as a promise for the future, but as something quietly, inevitably taking shape now. As something you know, something you are familiar with, something you feel.

Yes, many speak of this. We call it manifestation. But for the dreamer like me, what I am speaking of feels less like a method and more like a way of being. Less about attracting something outside of myself and more about allowing life to move through me. This is not efforting. This is living.

Oh, what a relief it is to stop fighting against the world,
what a relief it is to pause at the fantasies.
Oh, what peace I feel to surrender,
what a joy it is to live.

And it is from this place of surrender that I tell will share the truth about where I am today:
I am good, tired and maybe more than a little avoidant. I have been re-watching more 80’s movies than I’d like to admit over the past 48 hours and telling myself I deserve the break (while yes, working in between). And I probably do, need the break that is. At the same time, even in the break and breather, there is something stirring underneath the restlessness, a longing that feels bigger than exhaustion.

I dream and desire to have the most incredible adventures. To express my heart and all the creativity that wants to move through me, in all the languages of art. Poetry. Music. Painting. Sculpting with clay. Building with wood. Sowing! Freedom is in this expression, in moving through the world without restraint, letting life flow as it will through me. I want to learn and explore.

There are, however, moments when I feel unable to move, constrained by time, by the strange rules of being human and having to do things in a particular way.

I dream to love. I want to explode with love. I want to love everything and everyone around me. I feel so weary of people holding back, of masks worn out of habit or fear. I wonder how they keep going without expressing themselves to their heart’s content. And then I catch myself and realise I am asking the same question of me.

I dream of being at the beach in Mexico, under the sun and with a book in my hands. I want to be cosy in my colourful wool-knit sweater walking through a magical forest. I want to slip into a hidden speakeasy at one in the morning in Lisbon, a glass of wine in my hand, listening to a Brazilian jazz band play something that feels like longing and joy at the same time.

God, I want to live.

And so I find myself asking, why am I here? Why do I feel restrained by borders, systems, rules, language, and money? Why am I sitting here, dreaming, and not fully living this life, especially now that I have chosen a new path that is more aligned to my truth than ever?

These are the questions on my mind as the year turns. Not from sadness, but from honesty and curiosity. From a place that knows something is ready to move from dream into presence, into lived experience.

I am ready to live!!

I want to close with gratitude as I step further into living in presence, in peace, and in love, in this new year, 2026.

Thank you for the lifetime of dreams that showed me what could be possible.

Thank you for the snippets of magic I have experienced, witnessing the universe making my dreams real in the most intricate and unexpected ways.

Thank you for the souls in my life who love me even as I find my messy way through this life.

Thank you for all the incredible possibilities that exist, the unknown that I know is still waiting for me to know.

Thank you for the perfectly suited soundtracks that play in the background of my life, holding me and guiding me, with gentleness and sweetness.

Thank you, 2025, for showing me the way out of the shadows and into divine love, the kind of love I see in my own reflection.

Thank you, to this new year, to 2026. To every breath I continue to take. To every smile and every tear. To freedom. To love, the only truth impossible to doubt in this marvellous and spectacular human experience.

Photo by Esther Joergensen

Lately, I’ve been feeling the collective waves of resistance moving through so many of us. You might be feeling it too… the heaviness, the questioning, the pull between shining and hiding. This message is for those of you who carry the sparkle.

Each of you shows up uniquely in this world. But some of you show up quite differently than most.

Some, as a dear friend and soul sister puts it, show up with a sparkle.

A sparkle that has always set you apart. A sparkle that has always been your truth, beyond the make-up and hair-dos, robes and hats, and all the feathers.

A sparkle that triggers many.

This uniqueness hasn’t always felt like a blessing. When your light has been met with resistance or misunderstanding, it can make you question where you belong.

You might have felt like you don’t quite fit, too much for some, too bright for others. That ache of not belonging can feel heavy, but it’s not proof that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that you were never meant to blend in. You were meant to rise and shine, you were meant to face the darkness.

Let’s be real though… the brighter you sparkle, the more resistance you encounter.

Resistance as a Mirror

This resistance manifests both externally (from people who can’t handle your light) and internally (from your own mind or ego that might be stuck in old patterns).

This resistance is a mere layer waiting to be witnessed and released.

It’s also a window into the darkness that the collective is presently moving through.

And for those of you who sparkle the brightest, it is your mission to face this resistance—sometimes in pain, flooded by watery emotions, and sometimes in strength, fueled by fire—to stand in your light, shining, unwavering, and unapologetic.

You owe it to yourselves, and to your mission, to not give up on your sparkle.

The Loneliness of Light

Loneliness will be another part of this resistance.

It makes you question everything that you are and everything that you wish you weren’t.

Part of this process is learning to be the sparkle in relationship with the universe, with the spirits, when you find yourself shining your loving light within a community that is still sitting in its darkness and judgment.

Remember, the more you shine, the closer you are to Spirit.

You are never alone. It’s simply a matter of cultivating that relationship.

Your Sparkle Is Your Gift

It might not always feel like it, but your sparkle is your gift.

And this gift is a rare one, I promise you.

There is never a time when your sparkle is not worthy of shining.

During these darker and heavier times we are moving through, the resistance to your light might feel stronger.

But through practice, support, and compassion for yourself, you will not only find yourself shining brightly in the darkness, you will no longer be bothered by your surroundings, experiences, people, or even your own thoughts.

Because of the high frequency you’ll be vibrating in, you will create a reality where only like frequencies are present.

There Really Is Only One You

It might sound cheesy or trite, but what I’m about to say is unequivocally true:

There really is only one you, you beautiful, epic soul!!

You are a unique part of the whole, like a fingerprint, unlike any other.

Who you are, all the parts that make you you, are needed, especially in these times.

In truth, you don’t need to do anything different for your unique light to sparkle.

Who you are in this exact moment is enough.

It’s all you need to be for the betterment of the collective.

Even if you’re in struggle mode, believe it or not, even that is part of what’s needed right now.

The key is to sit in a higher vibration, even as you struggle.

When you’ve gone through the process, when you’re ready, strong, and supported, you’ll sparkle brighter than ever before.

When resistance shows up, you’ll stand firm and face it.

Standing against resistance, shining brighter, is simply the act of embodying your essence in peace and truth.

As you show up more fully in your truth, as you remove more masks, the cycles you experience when facing resistance will become easier.

Being in flow, presence, and your sparkle will become a more permanent state of being.

Through this practice, yes, the external will evolve and change. It will get easier.

But remember, the outside is nothing more than a physical manifestation of your inner union.

Use it to reveal your inner patterns, where you might need more love and compassion, and what is ready to be released next.

In the Face of Resistance, What Do You Do?

(this is neither linear or firm, allow yourself to be human about it… but use this list to give yourself the permission to process.)

1. Feel

   • It can be painful to encounter resistance after showing up as your full and bright self.

   • Whatever shows up, allow yourself to feel.

   • Cry. Sit with your feelings. Write. Express. Talk to someone.

   • Give yourself the space and permission to feel without judgment.

   • Try not to be so hard on yourself during this time, please.

2. Remember

   • Remember who you are.

   • Reach out to a loving family member or friend and let them remind you of your unique sparkle.

   • Remember that your light is what differentiates you, and that this is the very gift the world, the darkness, so desperately needs.

   • Remember that you are the light, and that darkness in many forms tries to attach to you.

   • Remember, you are the light. Sit in that for a bit.

   • and remember, you are not alone even if you have no one else to talk to, your ancestors, your spirit team and all the other than human kin, is here again.

3. Cleanse

   • Open windows. Shower and ask the water spirit for support as you release any attached energies or cords.

   • Smudge your home. Work with the spirit of fire through your candle flame or the spirit of air as you breathe through it.

   • Sit in meditation and ask Spirit, your higher team, and your ancestors to clear your field.

   • They’re here to help you. Don’t be afraid to build this relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

4. Protect

   • Call in protection through meditation.

   • Envision yourself surrounded by light and ask Spirit to strengthen your energetic shield.

   • Work with Reiki symbols of protection. Use salt, minerals, and other elements to support your boundaries.

5. Release

   • The final release happens when you’re so effin’ fed up and frustrated with the BS that you can’t fathom anything other than your truth, you, showing up, in your light.

   • Say it with me… “F*** IT!”

   • Release whatever’s left. Let go. Invite in your light, truth, ease, and flow.

   • Call on angelic and spirit support to dissolve any fear you may hold.

6. Choose

   • Now make the choice.

   • Choose the light again, call it in. Allow it to be in your field, allow it to hold and embrace it you, allow it to flow through you.

   • Choose to be in flow. To quit anything that requires efforting.

   • By now, you’ve built a strong relationship with Spirit, mind, heart, and the people who truly see you.

   • So again, choose to show up, in this time and in this moment, in flow, with ease, in peace, from the heart, and without efforting.

7. Presence

   • Witness your process with love and compassion.

   • Practice judging yourself less, ideally to the point of never.

   • Allow yourself to come back into presence. Come back to the here and now.

   • When ready, look around again, now with eyes less (or not at all) clouded by ego, and take it all in.

   • What once brought fear or pain will suddenly seem less important. Notice.

8. Gratitude

   • Always.

9. Be

   • Just be. Be all that you are.

   • Shine brightly. Laugh. Sing. Dance. Travel. Express. Do what you love!

   • Allow yourself to fully show up. Allow yourself to be.

   • Choose again, to be.

10. Repeat

    • As so many traditions remind us, this is a spiral process of remembering.

    • You may revisit these steps many times, but you’re never truly repeating, you’re moving upward into higher frequencies each time.

    • Give yourself a break, repeat the process, peel away the layers, unveil what’s asking to be seen, and move higher into light and happiness.

Keep Shining

Do not hold back from being in your sparkle.

Do not fear the dark resistance.

Keep your head high, your relationships with human and other than human kin strong, and focus on your light.

And remember: you were never meant to blend in, because you have the strength required to stand up, face the darkness, and to rise more and more in your sparkle!

* For support:

If you need me to remind you or support you in your process...if you are seeking mentorship as you find your own rituals and practice to stand in your unique light, do not hesitate to reach out.♥
To learn more about me and what I do, you can find me at www.tulamirjan.com.

With love and so much sparkle, 
Tula

Sometimes, it feels easier to imagine disappearing into a cabin in the mountains or forest, and living off grid for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, carrying the weight of the world feels heavier than any weight I can carry…even though in my heart I know transmuting the energies of whatever is showing up is a gift, for myself and the collective.

Sometimes, I question my entire life, my existence, my work and if I really am making a difference in the world. Sometimes, I question, am I smart enough? Am I hard working enough? Am I good enough? Am I beautiful enough? Am I really living my highest timeline and being my best self?

Sometimes, I wonder, who would it truly impact if I just did not exist? Am I really making the world a better place by being in it?

Sometimes, I lose control of my mind and find myself walking deeper into the dark cave, allowing the voices of the pain, sorrow and fears to get so loud that all I can do is sit with it and listen…finally.

So sometimes, I sit with it. I cry until I can’t breathe anymore. I hide under my cover or take a scolding hot shower. I call my mom or journal every thought, maybe being finally honest about everything I am processing for the time.

And then other times, I sit with the spirits of the trees or the rivers, my ancestors or a beautiful living soul, and I remember…

I remember that I am not alone. That I am held.

I remember that I have what it takes to get through whatever low moment I am moving through.

I remember that I co-created this exact moment to be exactly as it is to support me into shedding more light into what I thought to be so dark.

I remember how the sun shines so brightly and it’s warmth feels on my skin. How comfortable I feel as I enjoy it.

I remember to look around me again and notice all that I have. I remember I am healthy, I am abundant, I am safe, and that I am in the most beautiful place a human being can be.

I remember that my heart is strong, and that my body is strong. I remember that nothing has control over me and I have the ability to make a new choice, to make change, and that I have what it takes to take a step forward towards whatever it is I am inspired to do next.

I remember how to laugh, I remember to play my music again and dance, I remember to light my candles and witness the flame as it lights up the room.

I remember that all that matters is right now, this moment, where everything is… well it is so okay.

I remember who I am again.

These are intense times, overwhelming times, where so much is surfacing. We are witnessing, surrendering and releasing yet more layers. As we navigate our way through the darkness, I really want you to know, you are never ever alone in any of this. You matter. We will all come out of this soon, and we will feel lighter, easier. Big change is coming on a personal level. So allow all the unexamined to be seen. Allow it to be released. Clarity is coming. You are going to be okay. <3 

Carrying the sorrows of the world, I walk.
Eyes closed, but still walking.
This path—mine, yet shadowed by grief.
Sometimes, others join me for a while.
But just as suddenly, they go.

Tears fall freely.
My heart aches for something, anything, different.
I keep walking. Eyes still closed. Cheeks now wet.
And my shoulders begin to ache.
I wonder if I should stop.
Finally. Just stop.

Then,
The wind comes.
It dries my cheeks.
It lifts the weight from my mind.
Something shifts.
It’s subtle.
Enough to nudge my curious heart.

I open my eyes.
And there it is: a butterfly.
It dances around me, playfully, tenderly,
Until it lands.
Right where I was about to place my next step.

I stop.
Kneel.
Awestruck by its stillness, its beauty, its presence.

It twitches.
Then lifts off again.
Something inside me flutters too.
The wind returns.

I rise, different now.
And look around.
Really look.
Remembering where I am for the first time.

I close my eyes again.
Not from sorrow.
Not to numb.
But in peace.
In deep, quiet gratitude.

Tears rise again.
Not from longing,
But from the wonder of it all.
Why did I carry so much sorrow, when—
I open my eyes—
I am surrounded by so much beauty and light.

Clear blue skies,
Green fields,
Ancient trees,
Vibrant flowers,
And butterflies.
So many butterflies.

I walk.
Eyes open.
Heart wide.
I begin to take it all in.

Is this what a seed feels like,
Pushing through the dark, damp soil,
And seeing the sun for the very first time?

My pace quickens.
Joy bubbles over,
And I run.

Then,
To my left,
I see a butterfly,
Bigger and more radiant than any I’ve ever seen.
I blink.
Surely this isn’t real?

But it remains.
Flying with me.
Matching my rhythm.

I grin from ear to ear.
Disbelief turns to laughter.

And then it lifts higher.
“I’ve done my part,” I almost hear it whisper.

I look ahead again.
I Skip. Hop. I run.

Swing my arms up.
Twirl.
To the music of my own childlike laughter and wonder—I run,
All the way home.

True power is not found in fleeing the dark,
but in dancing with its shadows,
and transmuting their weight into light.
Not in denial or resistance,
but in the ancient alchemy of the soul,
where pain becomes purpose, and sorrow becomes song.

You are a keeper of the unseen,
a sacred architect of energy.
Within you flows the current of creation.
You were never meant to fear the dark,
you were born to transform it.

Thank you, wise and wild Universe,
for the holy gift of contrast,
for the deep, fertile darkness within the light,
that reminds us of the radiance we carry.

And may we rise, again and again,
remembering the ancient power we hold,
to bend energy with intention,
to conjure light from shadow,
and to become the magic itself.

كيمياء

،القوة الحقيقية لا توجد في الهروب من الظلام
،بل في الرقص مع ظلاله
.وتحويل ثقلها إلى نور

،ليس في الإنكار أو المقاومة
،بل في كيمياء الروح القديمة
.حيث يصبح الألم هدفًا، والحزن أغنية

،أنت حارس للغيب
،مهندس مقدس للطاقة
،في داخلك يتدفق تيار الخلق
،لم يكن من المفترض أن تخاف من الظلام
.لقد ولدت لتحويله

،شكراً لك أيها الكون الحكيم والوحشي
،على هبة التباين المقدسة
،على الظلام العميق الخصب داخل النور
.الذي يذكرنا بالإشراق الذي نحمله

،وعسى أن ننهض
،مرارًا وتكرارًا
،متذكرين القوة القديمة التي نحملها
،لنحني الطاقة بنيّة
،لنستحضر الضوء من الظل
.ولنصبح السحر نفسه

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There is a knowing.
Knowing that sound, that music, was the sacred language before words.
Music was how emotions were shared, how ancestral stories lived and traveled through time.

As I stand in the overgrown forest—the sky cloudy above me, the earth warm beneath my bare feet, the air rich with pine and spring bloom—I listen.

The ney flute whispers smoothly through my headphones, and I forget to breathe.

Time stills.
Emotions stir.

My blood remembers.
My bones are grateful to be noticed.
My skin…it awakens.

It is through music, now with the steady Arabian rhythm of the drum, that
I remember. Who I am, and who I have always been.
I remember. The sadness, the fear, the pain, the joy, the love, the pleasure, and all the human emotions in between.
I remember. The forgotten ancient stories of divine love and sacred rituals.
I remember. My body, my beauty, the fire burning within my womb and heart.
I remember. My ancestors, standing behind me, next to me, holding me even when I lose my way. I feel their presence,
and I remember.

I am whole. I am one.

One with my senses, one with my soul that has never forgotten.

I am moved and overwhelmed.

I remember…to breathe.

Why am I still dizzy?

I sway.
I twirl until I gracefully drop into the earth, only to softly rise again to the melancholic breath of the ney.

My arms rise, my heart opens wide, and I surrender.
The music surrounds me, holds me, carries me,
until

I remember… to smile.

هناك معرفة، معرفة أن الصوت، تلك الموسيقى، كانت اللغة المقدسة قبل الكلمات، كانت الموسيقى هي الطريقة التي كانت تُنقل بها المشاعر، وكيف كانت قصص الأجداد تعيش وتنتقل عبر الزمن

بينما أقف في الغابة الخضراء - السماء ملبدة بالغيوم فوقي، والأرض دافئة تحت قدمي الحافيتين، والهواء غني بالصنوبر وزهر الربيع - أستمع

يهمس مزمار الناي بسلاسة من خلال سماعاتي فأنسى أن أتنفس.

ويتوقف الزمن. تتحرك المشاعر

يتذكر دمي. عظامي ممتنة لملاحظتي. جلدي... يستيقظ.

من خلال الموسيقى، الآن مع الإيقاع العربي الثابت للطبلة، أتذكر. من أنا، ومن كنت دائماً، أتذكر. أتذكر الحزن والخوف والألم والفرح والحب والسرور وكل المشاعر الإنسانية التي تتخللها، أتذكر. أتذكر القصص القديمة المنسية عن الحب الإلهي والطقوس المقدسة، أتذكر. جسدي، وجمالي، والنار المشتعلة داخل رحمي وقلبي، أتذكر. أسلافي، يقفون ورائي، بجانبي، يحتضنونني حتى عندما أضل طريقي. أشعر بوجودهم، وأتذكر.

أنا كاملة. أنا واحد

واحد مع حواسي، واحد مع روحي التي لم تنسَ أبداً.

أنا متأثرة ومغمورة

أتذكر... أن أتنفس

لماذا ما زلت أشعر بالدوار؟

أتمايل... أدور حتى أسقط للأرض برشاقة، لأرتفع مرة أخرى في نعومة على أنفاس الناي الحزينة

أرفع ذراعيّ، ينفتح قلبي على مصراعيه، وأستسلم، الموسيقى تحيط بي، تحملني، تحملني، حتى

أتذكر... أن أبتسم

Share Tula’s Mycelial Musings

Wandering through new cultures and continents, having endless adventures across the globe, pushing boundaries and testing everything I knew and believed in, was how I lived most of my life. I thought I was exploring the world; I thought I was finding ways to build a new version of myself away from everything I knew. But really, I wasn’t moving away from anything at all, nor building anything new. Instead, I was only finding my way back to my essence, my heart.

Each step brought me closer to something deeper: a truth I hadn’t yet discovered, a memory I hadn’t yet remembered. Closer to discovering who I am.

Each calling I answered, each place I visited, and each earth portal I discovered, connected me with a different part of myself. I found myself reconnecting with aspects that had been patiently and lovingly waiting for me to notice. To hold without judgement.

I eventually sensed a presence of something greater than myself buried deep within…something I knew would one day be revealed. This knowing created a yearning, a search I couldn’t fully grasp or satisfy, a thirst I couldn’t quench, no matter how far I travelled.

“Patience,” my ancestors reminded me, again and again, now nearly every day. “Patience.”

But patience was never my greatest virtue.

This inner call only grew louder with time. As I continued my explorations, and as I moved deeper into my heart, my center, and my mission, the feeling intensified.

Eventually, my path led me to ask questions and curiosity took over about my ever-present ancestor. I dove deeper into my heritage, committed to rituals to connect with my many lineages, and opened myself to receiving communication from my ancestors. The longing began to fade, and clarity began to set in.

I realised that the ever-present ache and longing was written into my DNA. My soul yearned to remember, to remember the ancient wisdom held in the rituals and traditions that had lived on for millennia in the lands of my birth.

I was convinced that I chose to be born into this family and onto this land for a reason. A family that, for generations, invested in the city of Hillah, in the province of Babil, the capital of ancient Mesopotamia. That’s where my blood comes from There is a reason I was born into this land.

I longed to connect with the land, it’s ancient truths and people. I longed to return. To remember.

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I also knew a part of my mission was to help unveil the ancient wisdom of these lands, wisdom that other forces have long tried to bury through conflict and division, manipulating so many into forgetting. I saw a vision: the dark veil lifting over the Southwest Asian and North African region and a powerful light rippling out into the world.

I saw it so clearly. I was ready and I knew what I had to do.

Iraq called me.

I wanted to walk the lands I came from, to visit the deserts, the marshes, and the ancient thousands of years old sites. I wanted to go deeper into the land, realise the ever present power of the lands that brought us the knowledge we hold today and allow whatever was meant to emerge to come in. I wanted to finally understand the practices, the rituals, the plant medicines, and the religions I was raised with, to finally understand all my soul’s choices.

Within a few days, the call was answered.

A dear friend was about to embark on such a journey through Iraq’s sacred sites, answering a similar calling. I jumped at the chance to join her. I couldn’t believe how quickly it manifested. I felt inspired and affirmed.

I began reading about the different sacred sites. I traced ancient marshes and rivers on the map, and built lists of the ancient villages of Ur, Uruk, and Nimrud that I did not want to miss. I dreamt I was in the YouTube videos I was watching, with tears in my eyes, not believing that this was Iraq, the country that I was colonized to believe held nothing by hot deserts and pain. I could not believe that I was weeks away from being there. Our driver and car was set, my flight ready to be booked. The call felt urgent, clear, and sacred.

But just as smoothly as it all came together, I began to feel something shift. My heart wasn’t fully in it anymore. The dream I was hanging on to was no longer mine.

That surprised me. I sat with it. I listened.

What is this sudden resistance? Was it a blockage? A fear? Was it even my own fear or someone else’s? Do I still have that much more decolonizing to do?

What was once clear was now a foggy mess.

Following a few deliberations with a few close people in my life and a good night's sleep, I saw the truth. I finally understood the essence of the yearning that had lived in me for so long. The longing was never about needing to go back to Iraq. It was never about visiting the land of my birth. It was never about any physical or intellectual understanding.

I don’t want to look back.
I don’t want to be caught up in different versions of history or the ego of men and their interpretations of what I knew written in my bones.
I don’t want to understand why I chose to be born into this powerful lineage with the mind.
I need to make a different choice.
I want to move into my centre, to connect in the knowing.

So, I choose presence.
I choose to move forward.
No more waiting. No more looking back. No more searching.

The longing was about stepping into a new level of presence, one that no longer required fulfilment through moving into the past.

The deep desire was asking me to release all attachments: my birthplace, my family name, my heritage, my spiritual attachments.

What a beautiful sense of humour the universe has. For so long, I believed I was missing something. I thought I’d find the missing pieces by answering my ancestors’ call to return home, and I thought that to be Iraq.

But all along, they were guiding me back to my heart’s essence. The true consistent home I have always known.

In researching and planning my pilgrimage through the ancient lands of my lineage, the oldest parts of me, those ancient inner truths, were finally acknowledged.

It became clear to me that presence does not mean ignoring the past. One cannot truly be present, aligned and flow forward without honouring every part of oneself.

It is through acknowledging all of me, the experiences that shaped me, the place I was born in, the life I’ve lived, and the choices I’ve made, that I found peace. Through that peace, through that being, I remembered.

It is through remembrance, through connection with my beautiful, compassionate ancestors’ light, a light that never abandons, that I embraced the moment.

Their guidance helped me, and continues to, unlock the ancient wisdom encoded in my DNA, wisdom that endures nor ever waivers, regardless of who once tried to erase it, and regardless of whether or not I physically go back to Iraq. I can now begin to gracefully carry those rituals and medicines, practiced for thousands of years, into the modern world.

I now understand who I am, and what I’m here to share, does not live in the past or in any particular place. It’s not just in the land of my birth.

Those are parts of me, incredibly important parts, but only parts, nonetheless. Parts that I will always love, honour, teach, and hold in my soul.

By holding loving, compassionate space for every part of myself, the ancient, the old and the young, the healed and the unhealed, I surrender. I return to my presence.

Finally, what once felt so messy and confusing suddenly became clear:
When one lives in their highest timeline, every decision can feel aligned. At times, inspired action looks different, less like doing and more like allowing. No choice is bad or wrong. What is meant for someone will find them, whether one moves toward it or not.

This awareness deepened my surrender, allowing me to honour all that I am and have been, free from the pull of old curiosity.

Now that I am in awareness and full acknowledgment of all parts, my spirit is healing my body, and my soul can finally rest in the present, not clinging to any identity, story, or deeper search of meaning. Accepting all that has been, recognising it as a sacred part of the journey of my soul’s choosing, and returning to the heart.

Now that I feel safe in knowing it’s written in my DNA, in my blood and in my bones, and can never be taken from me…I let go.
And from this place of release, I finally see clearly. I have embodied what I always knew deep down:

Thank you, my dear spirit.
Thank you, my loving ancestors.
Thank you to every soul who helped bring me to this moment, closer to sacred surrender.
Thank you, my heart, for your divine presence.

I am ready.
I choose to flow.
I am ready to move forward.

I write this today and share this with you all because I know I haven’t been the only one who has been receiving the call to connect back with our Indigenous lands, our lineage, and our personal shamanic traditions. For this is the animist way. Through my personal journey in answering this calling, I discovered its permanent presence within our DNA. 

There is nothing you need to do, and if the whispers of your ancestors are turning into song, listen. Open that line of communication and work with them. It is not done through going anywhere physically, through the distraction of the promise of an adventure. It is through the introduction of intentional ritual. 

Supporting the collective in removing the dark veil and connecting with our ancient wisdom can only be done through first fully releasing the old stories, identities, and moving away from the separation from your heart—and moving back into the heart. Moving back home. Moving back to the divine. Moving back to oneness.

I'm heading true North—
A seeker (salik) without external maps.

I follow the North Star.

What a wonder it is to have only been guided towards my awakened heart, purified of ego (nefs), to now find the North Star within.

Where my unique truth sits (al-haqq), waiting to embrace me.
Where I make my final commitment to spirit; divine union with God. 

Forever the North Star holds still, spiritual pole (Qutb), unwavering, permanent. 
Forever signifying the ever-presence of God. 
Forever aligning me back with my heart. 
Forever guiding me home.

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تغير الاتجاه

.أتجه نحو الشمال الحقيقي
.كسالك بلا خرائط خارجية
.أتبع نجم الشمال

،يا له من أمرٍ عجيب أن أُهتدى إلى قلبي اليقظ
.المُطهّر من الأنا (النفس)
.لأجد الآن نجم الشمال في قلبي

.حيث تكمن حقيقتي الفريدة، تنتظر أن تُعانقني
.حيث أُعلن التزامي الأخير تجاه روحي؛ الاتحاد الإلهي بالله

،يبقى نجم الشمال ثابتًا إلى الأبد
.مثل القطب الروحي، ثابتًا ودائمًا
.يدل إلى الأبد على حضور الله للأبد
.يُعيدني إلى قلبي للأبد
.يُرشدني إلى الوطن للأبد

What a gift it is to be love–

When you love fully, you see only beauty in others, their shadows are rose-colored, and you feel deep appreciation and compassion for all the ways they are trying their best to navigate this thing called life.

When you love unconditionally, love becomes a state of being—no longer a measure of worth or a tool for judgment. It is not used to determine who deserves your trust, your friendship, or a place in your life.

When you love powerfully, you act nobly, offering your service to all who are ready to receive it.

When you love wholeheartedly, attention from others becomes an opportunity for connection and joy rather than a means to fill any void or validation. It allows you the space to surrender all the attachments and needs you carried.

When you step into the truest state of your being and you find love, you look out into the world and colours are brighter, nature is louder, experiences are fuller, laughter is deeper and people are higher.

But when you love deeply, easily, and freely in this world and in this time, you become a mirror—triggering followers and targeted by egos.

When you live from love, the insecure seek you for validation, and the lonely for your refuge—both empty of truth and lacking in consistency. You are used and exploited for your abundant light, as they feed off your love, over and over again.

Love does not shield you from pain, nor does it repel darkness.

To live blissfully in love, it first asks you to be honest with yourself:

Have I fully embraced living in and from love?
Or is my love still wrapped in expectations, bound by conditions and tied with a bow of self-judgement?

Love is a force, a superpower, but only when it is held with grace, rooted in stillness, and embodied in all its forms.

Love becomes less about seeking and more about embracing, where you accept yourself completely, in all your beauty and grace, in all your silliness and imperfections.

Embodied love offers a mysticism that stretches beyond the physical. It grants ancient wisdom that will be tested over time, and courage that never asks you to fight.

When you love from your truest state of being of heart, your freedom in expression is poetry and song, even when self-assured and unyielding.

That is when the magic of love unfolds.

Then, when you finally reach a place where love is centred and is the only way to be, the veil lifts, and you finally see: love was never about loving yourself or others. It was always, and only, about being love.

When you sit within the stillness of your heart and witness it—truly witness it—and when you love and love deeply, easily, and freely, the essence and truth is realised—spirit has been sitting with you, next to you in companionship, in your heart, all along. To see it, you simply needed to just…be.

When you are love, you become one with spirit.

When you are one with spirit, you are one with all.

That is the sacred gift that living in love grants you— the Divine’s gift of love.

I am moving. I am shifting. A fierce and powerful energy is felt within my soul, long confined in darkness, now ready to be witnessed.

I see the memories of "past" experiences—mostly from this lifetime, sometimes from others—when I felt glimpses of this power.

Memories of dancing and singing, of community and connection, of nature and adventure. Memories of the surrender and flow to all aspects of love in Mexico to the physical pains of my last days of el Camino de Santiago in Spain. Each a fragment of my awakening.

This energy within me, calling so loudly, is begging to be heard, begging to be felt. Desperate to be allowed…to be as loud or as soft as it chooses, whenever it chooses, to be.

It is a fire unlike any other. It burns brighter, stronger and hotter than any flame, yet does not burn.

It is love—pure, powerful, and consuming. Love so strong, so tender, that it overwhelms me to tears, filling my heart and womb with its presence. Love that cannot be broken, cannot be taken from me, ever again.

It is confidence. A quiet, immovable confidence that dissolves old insecurities and pains. It allows me to step into my wisdom and power without hesitation. It is the confident grace of knowing my worth and the vastness of my spirit. A confidence that holds me in all my beauty, as I find my voice, and express, authentically and without hesitation. A confidence that allows me to believe my intuition’s whispers.

I see a puma—my guardian, my guide. Patient, fearless, decisive. She moves with focus, courage and intention.

I see yellow crystals—sapphire and citrine—resting in a bed of dandelions. A field of golden light, deep with magic, abundance, and possibility. Here, my desires are brought to life.

I see myself, emerging. Awakened. Ready.

“Patience,” the puma reminds me. I will know when the time is right to leap. For now, I conserve my energy. I do not waste it. I remain poised, steady, and present in my quiet strength. And when the moment comes—

I strike.

I am patient. I am determined. I will not be swayed from my intention. My energy flows in harmony, aligned with the rhythms of the earth and her spirits. Aligned with the moon and my moons.

I leave fear and doubt behind. My conviction is renewed.

“You have power.” She says from behind me. As I feel her power, her strength and her presence in me now.

But at what cost?

As I step into my truth, I take action in ways I never have before. I speak in scenarios I never would have before. I ask questions. I stand against lies and greed. I respond fiercely—but with compassion, always in love. I laugh, surprised and in awe at my own strength, both fierce and compassionate. Have I finally found my way to be so in my heart and so fiercely in my truth all at the same time?

I have found my balance. The sacred dance of heart and power.

I have surrendered my fear of being judged, of not being liked, or being seen as anything less than the powerful female expression that I am.

I have finally shed my disguise. I am the puma.

Yet, this hasn’t been so well received. Triggers and ego surface in those unaccustomed to my strength. They are shocked to be questioned. Shocked to be held accountable. Shocked that I am no longer doing all that I can to maintain the peace.

Am I prepared for this? To be less liked? To lose friends or my network? To be labeled “difficult” or “confrontational” simply for standing firm in truth? To potentially have it impact my work?

Well, the short answer is…obviously.

My eyes are open.
My heart is on fire.
My mind is clear.
My throat is in courage.
And when truth calls, I will answer.

With all my heart, I know that as long as I am in my heart, as long as I confidently express my truth in love, I will live in freedom. I will be in bliss. I will have the power and strength to co-create anything and everything I have ever dreamt of.

With every evolution, as with this new energy of fire and power in expression, I feel an excitement in my heart, even a little giddiness, as I witness the unfolding of my new way of being.

What a gift it is to embody the authentic female expression. What a fascinating thing it is to be living this human experience.

To feel. To evolve. To Love.

We are never truly alone. Not really. Not ever.

When we are in that feeling though, it is hard to recognise anything different. We might feel alone in our experience: alone in our sadness or confusion, alone in our misery and despair, and even alone in the experience of enjoying all the beauty that surrounds us. We have been so deeply ingrained to not be able to see or notice what does surround us.

We have become so blind to the truth: that we are never truly alone.

That in fact, when in solitude, we can find ourselves more deeply connected and surrounded by a lot more than when we are surrounded by others. Solitude creates the space to move beyond loneliness amid the internal and external chaos.

I had a beautiful vision as I was writing on solitude vs loneliness a few days ago, a topic I have been contemplating about for sometime as I began to wonder if I will always be walking this beautiful path alone, without a soul to really hear me.

As the vision washed around me, I allowed the pen to be my brush and the words to by my paint.

I began guiding myself into surrender. I guided myself into stepping into the essence of my divine feminine. I was letting go, surrendering and arriving. As I continued to let go, I allowed myself to be surrendered into the light.

In this light, as it surrounded me, I could see that it was a long path, and not just a mere ball of light. It was a path that I could flow through. I had a knowing that this path represented my life, my highest timeline.

I allowed the light to surround me, to hold me. I felt myself held by a light spirit. It was the spirit of a great great grandmother, the spirit of my ancestor.

“Trust me.” She said in a firm but tender voice. “Trust the path you are on. You are doing so well. Trust me.”

I began to fully surrender. I allowed her to carry me with love, wisdom and trust. I allowed her to carry me as we made our way through the light and we flowed together.

As I flowed through, while held by her loving presence, I felt my heart fill with light. As it filled, the light began to expand out through my body. I slowly noticed myself filled with so much light that my body began to disappear and I was becoming one with the light. My presence was still there, her presence was still there, but our presence was more of a knowing than anything physical.

I opened my eyes, I looked deeply into her tender loving eyes. I knew she saw my question. A question I couldn’t seem to put into words.

“Don’t be scared,” She said. “I’m with you. We are all with you. We are your ancestors. We hold you, we are always with you and so you are never alone. Don’t be afraid. Surrender to the spirit. Surrender to the light now. And surrender to the light whenever you need to, whenever you need us.”

I turned my face away and looked ahead again as I continued to flow through the light path, through my life. She was gone, but I wasn't alone. I was now surrounded by so many of my ancestors, I was surrounded by so much light. I could see them and feel them. They were the light.

I was held by the light. I was held by my ancestors. All those who came before me, and all those who will come after me. I realized I am never alone– in light, I am never alone.

“Can you feel how loved you are?” I wrote.

I can. I am surrounded and held by so much love.

When I am in this light, love is all that I am.

This is the truth. All the truth I will ever need.

So, the next time you are feeling alone. The next time you are feeling in despair, confusion, loss, shame, pain, sadness, and you feel you have no one to support you and give you all the answers you need in that moment…Turn to the light.

Turn to the light, sit in the light, and feel yourself surrounded and held by the light. This light exists as it is the light of all beings coming together to hold you and to remind you of your truth; love.

And remember, you are never truly alone. Work with the light, and you will realise this truth. Always find your way back to the path of light, and you will realise this truth.

May you always be held and guided by the light. Light body, light mind, light connection, light heart, light path.

If you find yourself struggling at times…try this meditation.

Guided Meditation

When You are Feeling Alone

1. Get comfortable, take deeper than normal breaths and start feeling your body relax. Allow the breath, as you breathe in to sweep down through your body and in the out breath, to release any lower vibration or negative energy that is not yours.

2. Once you have given yourself time to really breathe into your body and move into a state of presence (does not have to be perfect!) Notice a ball of light forming above your head with light coming in from your surroundings and from the sun (as all things hold energy)

3. Move the sun down from the crown, through the head and neck and into the heart. Allow the light to sit in your heart. Notice the warmth and ease that this light brings.

4. Allow the little ball of light in your heart to slowly start expanding, past the heart and past your body, until you are fully engulfed in this beautiful and warm ball of light energy.

5. Sit in this for a little while. Notice what it brings. Be patient. Your mind might be able to fully surrender, but also your mind might be trying to tell you something. Acknowledge it and bring your attention back into the heart and expand out again. Repeat this practice until you feel yourself fully being in the light. Until you really start feeling the light.

6. Again, notice what that brings…what emotions, what feelings, what visions or messages.

7. As the energy is surrounding you… feel that it is not still. Energy moves. Notice it’s vibration, notice it’s presence. You might feel tingly, or warmer, and that is beautiful.

8. When you truly arrive in this state, open your heart further and allow it to surrender into the light again. This time with more presence.

9. Now, I invite you to notice that with this beautiful light energy around you, notice that this energy is a presence in itself. Notice that it is alive with so much love and so much tenderness. Allow the light to hold you. Allow it to remind you of your heart. Allow it to be. And notice all the beauty it brings you through it’s presence. You are reminded, you are not alone. In this light, you have the light, and you have all the presence and wisdom of the universe, in this light.

10. When you are ready and when you feel complete, bring the light back into the heart, allow it to sit there for a bit. The light will be there to protect your heart from negative and low vibration energies. You won’t have to do anything, the light will. So trust it.

11. When you are ready again, bring in all aspects of you back in, start moving the body and coming back into the present.

I am in stillness. In peace and surrender.
I am in calm, and quiet.
I am in Love.

No, things around me are not perfect.
Yes, I can hear the roaring motor of my fridge and the “Hakuna Matata” being sung by my neighbour to his 4 year-old child covered in chicken pox.
No, I don’t have everything I have ever wanted in life.

Yet somehow, it does not even matter anymore.

I am in stillness. In acceptance and presence.
I am whole.
I am complete.

And yet, I am in tears, and in sorrow.
I am in pain.

As my body moves into this stillness, it is witnessing all the parts within.
The beautiful, kind and inspired parts as they flow.
The lingering sad parts that were once in deep longing. Parts that may still need to be held, to be loved.

As my body surrenders itself to love, it is allowing all parts to be present, all at once.

I am overwhelmed.
I am overwhelmed by the struggles and pains that other versions of me experienced.
I am overwhelmed by the way in which I can hold space for those struggles and the sadness they brought as I stand gently facing those versions.
I am overwhelmed by the beauty, stillness, and stability that I finally embody to have the capacity to hold myself even when I am in sorrow—with compassion to boot.

I am not overwhelmed at all: I am here, with all aspects of me present and centred, within, while accepting all that is, without.
I am here, holding myself without judgement, without expectations and without a need to change anything.
I am here, allowing, and welcoming myself to be, as I am.

Eyes open, in my heart, in my body.

Observing, witnessing, appreciating, and in awe.

I am here. In stillness again.

I am.

I have been reflecting on and writing about, to and from love for 30 years. I had even kid myself, on more than one occasion, that I not only possessed the wisdom to define love, but that I understood it to its truest essence. As time flows and I find my way through this human experience, I realise I am just scraping past the surface of such an understanding.

In many ways, I do believe we over complicate love and a simpler approach brings us closer to love. In other ways, I feel love is like an onion, with so many layers that most of us will spend nearly a lifetime peeling until our soul finds its desired “enlightenment.”

Experiencing Unconditional Love

In the fall of 2019, while I was on my way to law class, I was stopped at a red light a few minutes away from campus. As I stared ahead, singing along to my music, I noticed a line of kinder-gartners crossing the street: walking in pairs, holding hands, with a teacher in the front, back and middle. The line of children did not seem to end. As I sat there watching the little ones cross, I noticed absolute joy, laughter, innocence and wonder on their faces and in their body language. The way they skipped or swung their arms and chatted away with one another talking about things only 5 year-olds found interesting. Light and beauty shined through them.

Suddenly, I felt deep love wash over me. A love that felt deeper than any love I had ever experienced before. I then felt love burst out of my heart and wash through every part of my body. I finally couldn’t contain it internally and I burst out crying, the happiest tears I have ever cried. I felt an immense love radiate from my body.

That was when I understood what unconditional love really felt like for the first time.

I understood that this is the love God has for me, the love that God has for each of us. We are loved like little children. Children that are here to learn, and whatever mistakes we might make along the way, we are forgiven, and encouraged to try again with a little guidance. I felt so loved, and so held. For all that I was in that moment.

As time went on, I slowly became aware that God is but a reflection of my truth; that the love God has for me is the love I have for me. With this awareness, my journey to the understanding of self-love and unconditional love as a more permanent, embodied and consistent state of being truly began.

Embodying Love in Everyday Life

One of the first things I realised is that feeling this love in my heart so deeply also offers a sense of freedom — the freedom to be exactly who I am, to forgive myself, and to live without fear or judgement chained to everything I do.

Most of the time, I really do feel that love for myself and others. Most of the time I live so completely from a place of love.

Most of the time.

While my heart’s increasingly predominant state is that of unconditional love, I cannot deny that I most certainly experience the intensity of the roller coaster of emotions into victimhood, anger, and blame. As someone who attempts to live so completely from the heart, this can be torturous for me. It is in those moments that I am reminded to ask deeper questions and confront the next layers I am ready to shed.

With these repeated painful dips into suffering, I asked myself: why can’t I be in that state of deep whole-hearted love at all times? After all, I could go days on end where I sat in love so deeply that I didn’t know what to do with that energy and I wanted to explode. With such deep loving experiences, I understood the concept of love; I understood its potential. I was even gifted the experience of fully experiencing and stepping into love at that red light.

So why did I—I mean, why do—I suffer still in the name of love? Why do I go through my darker days of continued suffering of release and healing just to come up for air again into a new added understanding and embodiment of love and then back down again? Why won’t this suffering end?

I ask the question even though I know…I know that each heartbreak & moment of despair, is not just a crack in my heart or a crack in my being, but rather that a doorway. A doorway into more depth, more clarity, and more love. The parts of me I thought were broken were never broken at all; they were just helping me shedd the layers I no longer needed to carry.

But I still continued on with this roller coaster.

I love so much!

My heart hurts so much!

I love so much!

My heart hurts so much!

Uncovering the Depths of Love

In summer of 2022, I had a dream where everyone on the planet finally understood what the consciousness of love truly was regardless of their embodiment of love.

I witnessed love to be absolute magic and incredible power. A power that, if in the “wrong” hands, can be abused. That was when destruction came. I saw love was used to manipulate humanity to feed greed or other selfish agendas.

Who did those “wrong” hands belong to? They belonged to the people who did not go through peeling the layers I mentioned. With them having access to this magical consciousness, without earning it and healing through the layers as they are peeled, just because I wished everyone understood love — they took it for granted and abused the magic for their own gain. Only chaos ensued.

I saw war, I saw fires and I saw death. I saw so much suffering. It looked like the world was ending.

This dream shook me for a long time. It forced me to question my understanding of what it really meant to be love.

My final understanding is that maybe this dream was a reflection of our shared humanity — a reminder that love without wisdom, without the peeling of layers and therefore true embodiment, can be used to destroy. It showed me that in order for love to be the transformative magical power that it is, must be rooted in truth and vulnerability. Without that, love becomes a weapon.

The Path to Living in Love

Okay, get ready, here is when I pretend to know what I am talking about. Get your steaming tea and get comfy.

Upon my reflection of this dream, I finally saw it. I saw that our souls are here merely for the experience to support us into the deepest and truest understanding of a state of being called love.

Love is a state of being.

It is not a feeling, but a liberation — a freedom to simply be.

I believe love is the answer to Who am I? It allows us to shed the weight of our fears and conditioning, revealing the boundless essence of who we are.

Love is our truth, as we peel away the layers to our essence. If love is our truth, at our deepest core when all fears and conditionings are stripped, then why is it so hard? If it is who we truly are, why is it so scary?

Because of exactly that… because it requires us to strip away the layers, to be fully naked. Not physically naked–which so many have proven is easy enough–but rather naked in the deepest sense of the word. And not just to stand so fully exposed in front of others, but also in front of ourselves.

So, we suffer, go through our pains, rejections, hardships, and betrayals…to peel away. With each layer we peel, we move closer not only to love, but to the freedom that comes with it. The freedom to live unburdened by stories, attachments, or fears.

Also, If love is a state of being, and suffering is one of many parts of our human experiences that many of us might have in our lifetime, then the embodiment of love means we also hold our suffering in love. We hold our pains, rejections, fears, unmet expectations, and difficult changes… in love.

And that, I believe, is where the true magic lies.

When we finally reach the core, connect with our purest form, we don’t just understand love; we embody it. We realise that we are love. Only then do we access the strongest most powerful magic of all…The magic that love gives us. The magic that allows is to co-create with the universe and live in all forms of abundance.

And perhaps…perhaps my suffering is not mine alone. Perhaps it is the cry of every soul that has ever longed to understand love. We carry not just our pain but the weight of humanity’s journey to love. And in peeling my layers, I wonder if I am also peeling away the layers of a world trying to remember what it means to love.

The Power of Gratitude in Love

As I moved closer to love through such understandings, and as my understandings deepened, I realised that gratitude had become my anchor. Reminding me that even in the darkest moments, I am moving toward something greater. I am moving deeper into my truth and into love. I am moving closer to this power and magic of love that will allow me to finally live in bliss; in peace.

But it is on nights like these, at 1:23 in the morning, that I wonder…is it all worth it? Is it really?

I want to surrender all, let go of ever thinking about any of this and just not give a shit.

I want to detach, even from caring about anything to do with love. Would that finally release the pain that seems to inevitably follow?!

But then I hear the answer, “This is yet another layer to peel.” Great…another damn layer.

Yes, I am angry. I am done with these layers. Done trying, done dreaming, done loving so deeply and openly to only feel pain and suffering, again.

I blame no one, not even myself. I understand and accept this is just how it is.

But honestly, at this exact moment, I am over it.

Once again, I will fall asleep and wake up the next morning, refreshed and not so miserable. With the sun shining through the little attic window to my right, my body warm under the cosy puffy duvet, and with the promise of the new day ahead, I am reminded that despite the suffering, I cannot help but feel so immensely grateful. Grateful for the moments when love shines through the little cracks—eventually. Grateful for the tears and the lessons as they bring me closer to the euphoric magical feeling that always, without fail, follows.

Perhaps gratitude is the bridge between suffering and the freedom love promises? Perhaps gratitude is the bridge to finally loving every aspect of me, even the aspects that keep me up so late at night.

I will continue to love, because that is all I know. I will continue to suffer, because it also appears to be all I know (right now). Then, someday, I will remove that layer of “suffering” that I’ve been so conditioned to believe I needed to experience in order to find peace. Only then, I believe, I will finally live utter and complete bliss for many years, before my very long life here ends. (I have known this is my last lifetime for over a decade. So when I say my life here ends, I mean all life, irrelevant of time.)

Love, with a Capital L

Also, something has been nagging at me I have to share and be honest about. In truth, I don’t believe in enlightenment. I never connected with the concept nor have I been much interested in it. I used it in the beginning because the word refers to a concept that many understand that would support me in making a particular point. But what I really believe is, we need to replace the word enlightenment with Love. Yes, the capital L is very much intentional.

The corners of my mouth just lifted.

I feel so clever right now. Interesting. I hope this did not come from my ego. Which in turn… makes me question everything I have written.

And in turn, I hope you question everything I have written. Was all of this written from my, the writer’s, ego? Is anything done by anyone else from ego or can others share thoughts or wisdom from a true and deep knowing without any influences attached to them? (Notice I did not say from their heart when I mentioned the polarity of ego–as heart or love are not the opposite of ego. As love holds no polarity and is whole, as one.)

So, dearest reader, I pray in some way reading this has brought you to a deeper embodiment of love. And remember, it means nothing unless you discern it to mean anything. So I may have brought deeper confusion with it too.

Another layer perhaps? Or perhaps, the peeling never truly ends — perhaps Love, like the soul, is infinite.

As for me, I will continue to be in Love, not because it is easy, but because it is who I am.

I will strip away the layers, knowing that each one brings me closer to the truth.

And in the end, when all the stories fade and the fears dissolve, I will stand in the radiant freedom of Love, naked and complete.